When the hope came with the Rainbow.

It was a Sunday! But there was something dull about the day, something happened last night that ruined today. Had a fight with a family member. I have not been a huge fan of families because I grew up in a toxic environment. Everyone fights within a family but today was ugly and maybe a result of something that I have been taking for years. The family member decided to leave my house. I was in dilemma whether to stop her or not coz they were supposed to leave after a couple of days or maybe I didn’t want to stop them as I felt like I had it enough, I think its time I gave up trying to be the best daughter, be always available and responsible.

The reason for the fight was literally nothing but I got pissed at the way she spoke to me, I just said you should be polite. I was bombarded with all the reasons in the past and accused of that I want her to go from her house. Really? After a month and after her tickets were done why would I want her to leave? She was the one complaining to all that she feels suffocated and trapped there. Yes, I wanted to be independent always because I lost my childhood seeing the harsh family realities. Since, the day I started to understand things, I had never been happy. I lived my childhood in fear and depression. Being the eldest I suffered a lot but, God, I outgrew these. Realizing that you are the least loved by your parents hurts bad but still, you want to achieve everything for your family.

This Sunday I was reminded of all which I left behind and was running away from. The toxic environment, the bullshit I had been through, the curses I received, the constant pressure of becoming an idol, the constant reminder that whatever I did was wrong and the list continues. While, I was sitting lonely in my room working on my laptop, watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and crying, trying to figure out every possible scenario in my head of where could have I possibly done wrong. Asking God to help me out here on what I did wrong and all I saw was it started to rain and the next thing was amazing, I saw a rainbow just outside my window. I don’t know why all the negative emotions flushed away with this colorful hope of Ray. It might sound so stupid but this colorful hope brought a smile to my face. All, I could think was everything happens for a reason and if this happened today, there must be a strong reason. Maybe a reason to “Let Go.” I couldn’t start a family because I have always been scared to move on, but maybe it’s time to leave the shit behind and move forward. This rainbow gave me the biggest sign I was looking for. Maybe I need a break from my family. Maybe, it’s time I need to glue myself together. Maybe it’s time for me to act selfish. Maybe it’s time I start a new life leaving behind all the negativity with new hope and new people. Finally, I am exhausted and done! Sorry to those who would be hurt but I got a sign and I am ready to run behind it.

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